Successful One Day Workshop: Just a Prelude to the Upcoming Fertile Soul Retreat

Last Sunday we held a one day Fertile Soul workshop in our new clinic space. Donna Huber, my fellow Fertile Soul Affiliate was in from Omaha to help facilitate.  We had a wonderful day filled with sharing, connection, and healing. Some of the words people expressed at the end of the day were “hope” and “courage” and “understanding”. I am always so inspired by the strength and vulnerability I see in everyone who shares their story during the workshop. One of the highlights of this workshop which was different from our workshops in the past was having some men (spouses) present. The men were able to break-out during the sharing circle to have  men’s-only group, facilitated by Greg Cradick. All of the guys were so appreciative to have this time together to share and connect in a safe space with others who understand.  Our next workshop will be on August 7th at Thirteen Moons Acupuncture in Omaha, Nebraska (Donna’s clinic).

But just around the corner, Randine Lewis will be coming to Denver to hold a full four-day Fertile Soul retreat! It is going to be truly amazing.  I have been fortunate to attend multiple retreats with Randine and can’t express how powerful and transformative they are. I am so excited for Randine and the Fertile Soul team to be coming here and for Merry and I both to be participating in the retreat. This is an event not to be missed if you are looking for a way to heal deeply on your fertility journey.  If you have any questions about the retreat, please feel free to contact me.

Saturday Fertility Yoga Classes Starting Soon!

Fertile Ground Yoga is Back! 

With the expansion of our practice, I am excited to announce the return of Fertile Ground Yoga, which runs for four consecutive Saturdays at 4:00 PM starting June 4th. To learn more and register, click HERE.

Fertile Ground classes are for women who are facing fertility challenges and who are looking for a safe place to nurture their bodies, minds, and spirits along the way. Whether you trying to conceive naturally, going through assisted reproductive treatments, grieving a loss, or considering other family building options, there is a space for you here. The class includes meditation, group support, qigong, yoga, self-inquiry, and guided relaxation to enhance your fertility and to support your vitality.

About the instructor: Brooke Lewis, R.Y.T, C.P.T, will be teaching this series. Brooke has been a student of yoga for 11 years. Her journey to becoming a teacher has had a profound effect on her life. Having always been involved in the health and fitness industry, her yoga asana practice was at first a wonderful way to keep her body healthy. Today yoga touches every part of her life and keeps her healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Brooke first met Jane and Merry during her own struggles with fertility. That experience has given her new compassion for, and a desire to help, women in similar situations. She is very grateful to be a part of the Acupuncture Denver team. In addition to being a registered yoga teacher, Brooke is a certified personal trainer and teaches Pilates.  She and her husband are also proud parents to their beautiful son, Cameron.

The cost for the series is $60 or $50 for Acupuncture Denver clients. Please click here to register, or call us at 303.929.9582 to sign up.

Thoughts on Motherhood

With Mother’s Day just just behind us, I wanted to share a few thoughts on motherhood, especially for those still longing to experience it and for whom mother’s day can be a day of grief and sadness rather than a day of celebration. I love this quotation from Ammachi about motherhood:

“The essence of motherhood is not restricted to women who have given birth; it is a principle inherent in both women and men. It is an attitude of the mind. It is love — and that love is the very breath of life. No one would say, ‘I will breathe only when I am with my family and friends; I won’t breathe in front of my enemies.’ Similarly, for those in whom motherhood has awakened, love and compassion for everyone are as much a part of their being as breathing.” — quote from Amma’s address given upon her acceptance of the 2002 Gandhi-King Award for Non-Violence

These words remind me that we are all able to tap into the endless stream of love and compassion that flows through us and the world, no matter what. In the same way that gratitude is a practice and not just an attitude, the true essence of motherhood is a practice and not just a status bestowed on those who have children. Even though fertility struggles can make us feel isolated and left out on a day like Mother’s day, I believe connecting with this deeper sense of compassion (and starting by giving it to ourselves even when we feel ugly, dark and painful emotions) can heal us and reconnect us to our own power and the love that surrounds us in the world.

Frank’s Story

I was first married in 1957 to a woman who was one of 5 kids.  I was one of 6 kids, so we looked forward to producing a large family.  After two years of non-pregnancy, our family doctor told us my wife’s physical anatomy and condition were normal for child bearing.  Then we found that my sperm count was good, but motility was extremely limited, and the possibility of my fathering a child was nil.  I was devistated!  I felt like I was not a complete man! 

We decided to adopt since raising a family was why we got married.  My wife’s older sister was already adopting so we had great guidance into this procedure   It took two years before we “earned” our first son.  Later we opted for another boy so our first would have a playmate.  Then we balanced our little family with two priceless girls.  All four came into our home while they were new babies, the youngest being 3 weeks old, and the oldest 3 months.

Life was good to us until my wife underwent radical mastectomy for breast cancer at age 36.  Now she was more devastated than I.  Her ailment was visible each time she saw herself in a mirror.  She didn’t even want me to look at her.  After the operation, her body suffered the effects of chemotherapy and radiation treatments.  She was in much pain and required many pain-killing drugs  To avoid addiction or other side effects, we got her oncologist doctor to approve our investigating accupuncture for pain relief, even though he said it was border-line “voodooism”. 

When we investigated the possibility of acupuncture, among the listed benefits, we found treatment for hay fever. I was horribly afflicted with allergies since I was a teenager, and I received no relief from allergy shots.  I depended heavily on antihistamine drugs.  I accompanied my wife to her acupuncturist for my own treatments.  After 5 or 6 treatments I no longer had to ingest hay fever pills.   Joy, oh blessed JOY! ! !  Our acupuncturist was Dr. Tao from China.  In addition to his practice, he taught at CU school of medicine.

My wife was more comfortable with the acupuncture, but died at age 41. Her old cancer spread to her pancreas and then to all major organs.  By then our kids’ ages were 8 thru 16.  Now you may be wondering why my story covers so much of my wife’s cancer and not so much of my infertility.  I was nearing my second marriage a couple years after my first wife died.  I decided to check my fertility so we wouldn’t get any surprises later.  The doctor told me I was as virile as a horse, and asked me if I wanted to do something about it.  Obviously, he didn’t know the motivation for my re-testing.

I read somewhere that antihistimines could possibly contribute towards infertility.  It had been over 7 years since I quit using them, thanks to accupuncture.  I was then living proof that those pills were causing my sperm problems.  I was at last a MAN again!

And that, dear friends, is the complete story.  You won’t have to wait for the rest of it.  I have had two great marriages, and four wonderful & loving children who have given me 12 grand kids and one great-grand son.

K’s Story: HOPE

Another inspiring, wholehearted family-building story about how hope can carry us despite the odds, the statistics, the dismal prognosis…and a great follow up to H’s story since hope mattered much more than low AMH in this case!

Hope

I never gave up hope.  Not even after receiving the heartbreaking diagnosis that I had a 2% chance of conceiving, even if I went the expensive route of in vitro fertilization.  My anti-müllerian hormone level was almost non-existent at .1 ng/ml.  My follicle-stimulating hormone was 17 iu/l, a level indicating perimenopause.  In other words, my eggs were duds, acting like they belonged to the body of an old “past-her-prime” woman, not a woman who was 30-years-old and ready to start her family.  I had Diminished Ovarian Reserve.

I was destroyed, but somehow through reading success stories and hearing about miracle babies I managed to keep a glimmer of hope alive.  I sought some natural therapies—Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) through Acupuncture Denver and yoga.  I found support groups.  I talked.  I blogged.  I changed my diet.  I researched.  I tried to make sense of the pain that I experienced every time an announcement was made that another friend or family member was pregnant.  I tried intrauterine insemination with injectable hormones, but my body didn’t respond well enough and the cycle failed.  So, I kept up with yoga and TCM because it did seem to make a difference in my cycles and at least helped my mindset.

It was hope that kept me going.  I wanted a family.  After two years of trying, my husband and I decided to start down the adoption track.  I started to funnel my energy into researching types of adoption, agencies, the incredible cost.  It was a whole other daunting research project.  But, I still kept some hope in my heart that my body might jump start and shoot out a good egg while I was researching adoption.

And it did.

I still remember the beautiful morning, almost like it was yesterday, when at 5am I had gotten up early to shower for work.  My period was due the day before, but hadn’t shown up yet.  After two years of trying to conceive, I really didn’t test much anymore because it was heartbreaking every time only one line showed up.   But, I still kept a stash of tests in the closet.  When I awoke to no period, I thought, “Hmmm… maybe I should test.”  After three minutes, I looked at the stick and thought my eyes were deceiving me.  I rubbed them, looked again and staring back at me were two lines.  TWO lines.  One was still faint, but it was there.  It was really there.  I have never been more overcome with emotion than I was at that moment.  Was it possible that I was really pregnant?  Was it possible that I overcame my measly 2% chance of success?

I was a maniac.  I screamed and laughed and cried at the top of my lungs.  I bolted into our bedroom to tell my husband, and he thought I had hurt myself or that the house was on fire. I couldn’t even talk.  All I could do was turn on the light and shove the pregnancy test in front of his eyes.  We were finally going to be parents!

When our daughter was 6-months-old, we found out we were expecting unexpectedly again.  Impossible, right?  We couldn’t believe it, but we were thrilled that we might be lucky enough to have not one, but two babies biologically.  We waited the obligatory time to share our news with the world.  But when I went in for my 16-week appointment, our baby boy’s heartbeat was not detected.  He had died at about 15 weeks 4 days.  We were devastated and again facing the infertility diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve.

The grief and sorrow of losing that baby was intense.  I cried every day.  I forced myself to go through the motions.  But, I decided after a couple months that I wasn’t ready to give up hope.  If my body had gotten pregnant twice without interventions, it could do it again.  And although we weren’t really trying, we also weren’t really NOT trying.  Miraculously, in August of 09, I must have had one more good egg because we found out in early September that we were having another baby.  We were cautious for most of the pregnancy, but after we passed the 20-week mark, we let our guard down.  We were actually going to have another baby.  And even now, I’m still in awe that we managed to get pregnant again.

Now we have two magnificent daughters who grace us daily with laughter, love and a little rivalry to keep things interesting.  There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for the gifts we’ve been given, for the beauty that we have in our family.

Hope is amazing.  To be given a 2% chance of success, but to get pregnant three times naturally means we beat the odds.  And hope…hope is responsible.

H’s Story: Holding on to Hope Against the Odds….

I’m honored to present our first fertility journey story, shared by someone who is not even a patient at Acupuncture Denver, but who reached out to share her story immediately when she saw the call for stories on my newsletter or facebook. I’ll be sending you an article on how TCM views AMH/FSH and how acupuncture and TCM can help (just to answer your question at the end).   Thank you for your courage, your big heart and your vulnerability. I am sure there is someone out there who needs to hear your words of hope and understanding….

“What a way to begin the infertility awareness week. Yesterday I had an appointment with my fertility clinic and was told I will never be able to have a biological child. I will be able to get pregnant with someone else’s eggs or embryo adoption but at the young age of 34 I have bad eggs and cannot have one of my own. Well I felt like someone took the winds out of my sail. But in the true spirit of my life I decided to look on the bright side, that atleast now my options have been cut in half and it is either embryo adoption or start that long process of adoption. (Now don’t get me wrong, before we started trying to have kids 4 years ago we have always planned on adopting…but the plan was to have 2 biological kids and then adopt 2). So now we don’t have to make the hard decision of spending all of our money and taking a loan for the rest just for one try at IVF. It has been weighing heavily on us this last year. We even started looking seriously into an IVF vacation this weekend. But after 3 miscarriages over these last 12 years and an AMH level of less than .1 I was told no way I can have a baby with my own eggs. 

So you would think I would be bummed ….. well I woke this morning to an LH surge and decided we will have a miracle baby. It took my mom 4 years to get pregnant with me and 4 years to get pregnant with my sister. We have been trying 4 years….so this is the year. My husband decided we will get a miracle (or he just enjoyed waking to a wife wanting sex…haha either one is fine).  I thank my fertility clinic for all their help and have decided to just pray for the miracle and start the embryo adoption process. My husband and I have worked so hard for a child. Living these last 4 years putting all our hard earned money into fertility treatments, which of course are not at all covered by insurance, living each month thinking this will be the month and having our dreams crushed each and every month… not any more. We will have a child some way or another (just not the Raising Arizona kind of way..haha) and we just have to believe that things will work out. 

I have more than 20 aunts and uncles if that gives you any clue to how big my family is, and I am one of the only ones that is without child. This is funny since my talent, my gift in life,  is working with children. I went to college for early childhood education and have worked with children from birth to 3rd grade. Besides being a teacher and nanny, I am also a doula. So I guess what they say is true… “those who can’t teach….”

I just want to say with all the heartache my husband and I have been through we can still see a silver lining. We still know there is a child out there for us. We also joke that with my husband’s intelligence and my compassion that the child has just taken so long because they are destined to be president or to solve the world’s problems. 

There is no giving up on us. With that being said if anyone knows any way of raising your AMH levels (besides breaking into the lab an changing the results…hahaha), I am all ears. If not say a prayer that a loving family picks us to raise their embryos…. 

I wish everyone out there good luck in all of their journeys, no matter what path you go down just know that there are many people out there going down the same path and they are there to support you when you start to feel down…”

Share Your Story

In honor of National Infertility Awareness week, I am inviting one and all to share their family-building stories with us. Whether it’s a story of overcoming enormous odds to have a biological child, experiencing the miracle of adoption, embracing child-free living, or being part of a story that is still unfolding, I would love to hear from you. I have grand plans for a way to share these stories in the future, but for now will plan to share them on my blog. I truly believe in the truth I have learned from Brene Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability/wholehearted living. She believes that “owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we will ever do.” To learn more about her work, visit her website or blog.

Please share your story with me. I believe sharing our stories is one of the most important ways we can inspire others and help them feel less alone in their own struggles. When you were in the depths of your darkest hours in your own fertility journey, wouldn’t it have been nice to hear an inspiring or just really raw story of someone who had been there? I know we can all benefit from taking the risk to be vulnerable with those who understand this particular struggle of longing, loss and hope. To share your story, please email to me (jane@acudenver.com) with “my story” in the subject line.

I am excited to hold space for this!

With a Little Help From My Friends

Everyone needs a tribe. I just returned from my yearly Fertile Soul CEFP practitioner retreat in Austin. It was amazing to connect with friends, old and new, and gather in a circle to share, learn and connect. My tribe. I come back from these gatherings feeling filled up and renewed. This group is the well I draw from so that I can continue to give in my work and life. I am continually touched and inspired by the vulnerability shared with these wonderful souls. When we gather together around our shared experience of working with fertility and heart-centered healing, we can all let our guards down, reveal our fears, grief, sadness and joy. Over the years, we have shared our own journeys with each other: our fertility struggles, our relationship issues, our work challenges, our battles with illness, our inspiration, our births, deaths and our re-birthing.

Randine is like the hub of the wheel that connects us all and holds space for our staying in the realm of the spirit. And we have become like the spokes on the wheel that give structure to her work and carry forth her message in the world. We are continually reminded of the Tao in her presence and challenged to stay rooted in spirit as we work with patients and live our lives. What a gift she has given us.

I am so inspired by my Fertile Soul sisters and brothers.  At the moment I am particularly in awe of Alex Berks, who faced the terrifying reality of cancer last year and is still facing it. Despite the suffering he went through and the possibility of more medical intervention and great uncertainty, he remains a rock of strength and a bright light of love.  He is one of the kindest, most authentic, most open people I have ever known.  Ever since we met at the first CEFP gathering, drinking wine and joking about “plus-one” he has been one of my favorite people on the planet.  Even more that that, I am testifying to the fact that he is a BIG SHOT: a brilliant healer and scholar of Chinese medicine, a wonderful husband (like John Wayne for Denise), an amazing father, a sincere friend, and a prince of a man. I am so proud to know him and to share in his wisdom and light. You shine, Alex. Gratitude to you, friend. And gratitude to all my Fertile Soul companions in this life. I am so happy to be part of our tribe.

Spring Forward

Today is the day to set our clocks forward— Spring is in the air! I have seen iris shoots begin to push their way up in my yard and the promise of warm, sunny days feels close. This morning the ground was even wet with Spring rain.   In Chinese Medicine, Spring is the season associated with the Wood Element or Phase. Wood correlates with the Liver/Gallbladder organ systems, the tendons, the emotion anger, the eyes, the sound shouting, the sour flavor, the color green, the morning and the wind.

On a more psycho-spiritual level, the Wood phase relates to having vision to move into the future, the ability to plan and decide, and  the organization to integrate all of the elements like a tree: pulling up earth’s nourishment, water and minerals/metal through its roots, and absorbing the warmth of  fire/sun.  Wood energy is about rebirth, renewal, and adaptability as well. Like a tree, with wood in balance, our response to the “winds of change”  is the ability to bend without breaking. Clarity, confidence, flexibility, healthy boundaries,  and the ability to take risks are hallmarks of a person with wood in balance.

Wood out of balance can manifest as rigidity, aggression (or lack of anger/boundaries), inability to envision or dream the future, substance abuse, irritability, difficulty with planning, anxiety, muscular tension, PMS, eye issues, mood swings, headaches, painful periods, pain in the ribcage area, digestive problems, depression and insomnia.

As we move into spring, it’s a great time to harness the strength and promise of the Wood element and its associated Sprit, the Hun. Give yourself time to dream the future and create a vision as well as an action plan to create the life you imagine. Take time to experience the early growth of supple, tender shoots and leaves that are just emerging in nature. Let that fresh, green, flexible energy penetrate your own spirit as you become more adaptable and ease into the changes in your life. Ingest cleansing greens and include the sour flavor, the flavor of the Wood element. Emphasize stretching in your workout routine or re-commit to a yoga practice to stay supple physically. Remember the image of a healthy, vibrant flexible tree as you face challenges, especially those related to unfulfilled desires (the root of the frustration that leads to our liver qi or wood being out of balance). In  my own recent coming-up-against-insurmountable-issues-I- cannot control, I have remembered the Serenity Prayer:

Goddess/Mother Earth/Buddha/God/Cosmos/Universe (insert appropriate salutation),

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I hope I got that right, since it came from memory! It’s a great thing to integrate as we move into Spring and try to embody the wisdom of the Wood phase. Spring is my favorite season since it brings the promise of change, warmth, movement, and renewal.  As we move from the depth of the Water Phase (winter) and emerge into the Wood phase, may we all carry with us the wisdom we gained in our deep internal journeys over this past winter and allow that wisdom to inform our movement into a creatively envisioned future. Happy Spring!

What Makes Us Beautiful

I am currently in a wonderful online class where this week people shared quotations that inspired them to live wholeheartedly. Here was one of my favorites:

The most beautiful people we have know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
-Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

I am continually inspired by the people I have been honored to know in my work as they have struggled through health issues and in particular, infertility and pregnancy loss.  One of the things that makes this work so meaningful to me is the opportunity I have to witness  incredible transformation, healing and beauty in people. I know my own pregnancy losses softened me and humbled me in profound ways I would never have been able to force without being in a situation that was beyond my control. I could feel myself become palpably more compassionate and open-hearted when I was literally brought to my knees by grief, uncertainty, fear and sadness. And I know that experience has everything to do with the person I am today. It’s certainly easier to look back and say we are grateful for misfortune or loss than to recognize the gifts these experiences bring when we are right there in them.  But I think the quotation above articulates how suffering can give birth to sensitivity, appreciation and gratitude. And how those experiences that are most difficult are what make us most beautiful.

So even as you find  yourself in the midst of a situation that feels painful, uncertain, scary and heartbreaking, take a breath. Know you are not alone. Know you are presented with the opportunity to soften, open, and expand into grace. Know you are beautiful. Know you are enough. And breathe again. Take a moment to believe you are enough just as you are in this moment. Feel your scared, tender, uncertain, broken heart and let it shine. Beautiful.